Introduction
I have recently found out, at age 63, that I am an HSP.
I have known for a long time that I am very sensitive but I did not know it was normal for me.
Nor did I know that there are a lot of people like me.
I thought there was something wrong with me.
Looking into what it means to be an HSP has brought me some relief as it explains a lot of things about me I could not understand.
However, I have to say that being an HSP has caused me a great deal of emotional pain and turmoil.
Let me explain.
Emotional Pain and Turmoil: Due 2 Things
Looking back and thinking about things, I can see that my emotional hardship has been due to 2 things:
- what I suffered as a child, and
- that I am an HSP.
Upbringing
I grew up with a father who was emotionally distant, physically abusive and super critical.
- He never took an interest in me,
- He never validated me,
- His only approach to discipline was to beat me up, usually with a leather cat of nine tails with knots on the end,
- Such violent ‘outbursts’ were generally unpredictable. He would just come into my bedroom and start beating me up while yelling out what I supposedly did wrong. I say ‘supposedly’ as sometimes I had no idea what he was talking about,
- Nothing I did was good enough,
- I experienced criticism and disapproval. I never got a kind word from him or a word a approval.
- My mum, because she herself had been physically, verbally and emotionally abused as a child, had her own problems.
She was also a HSP, but became a very damaged HSP.
She was therefore highly sensitive.
Her way of coping with her highly sensitive nature was to be very defensive and verbally vindictive.
When she felt I hurt her, intentionally or not, she would set out to deliberately hurt me back, without remorse.
This meant that I lived in fear of being hurt by my mum.
My step-mum was a very strong willed domineering woman who sometimes would set me up so that I would get a beating from my dad.
She’d also blamed me for the marriage problems she’d had with my dad. This really shocked me as I had no idea that there were problems in their marriage as I seldom saw them argue.
Zero Self-…
The consequences of being raised in such an environment, while being an HSP, has had life long negative consequences for me.
I have had to spend my life with next to zero self-worth, self-esteem, self-confidence, self-love, …
With such baggage, there was no way I was going to have a happy, meaningful, purposeful and fruitful life.
And I haven’t.
Loneliness and Depression
When I turned 30, a year after my dad passed away, I started to suffer from severe depression for reasons unknown.
Till then, I was a happy go-lucky type of guy.
I also started to suffer from what I called “the loneliness of Adam” ie. a sense that I was all alone in the world with no one to love me.
This loneliness was so bad that many times it would physically hurt.
This loneliness was worst when I came home after a night out visiting friends.
I found that the only way to minimise this horrible loneliness was to cut myself off from everything and everyone.
I recently read on the Internet, that this loneliness is caused by HSP children raised by parents such as mine.
Failed Marriage
I got married some 30 years ago not knowing I was a HSP + suffering from severe depression + being severely emotionally damaged.
My marriage never stood a chance.
Trying to be like Others
Since I did not know or understand that I was a HSP and that being one was normal for me, I tried in vain to be a non-HSP.
I could not understand why I was not like others who could get on with their lives, while I couldn’t even get out of bed.
I have been envious of, and frustrated by, people free to have friends, visit each other, go on trips, go out socially,… because I never felt free to do any of these things.
Codependency
I have also tried to be self-assured, self-sufficient and independent.
A fruitless task as it is not in me to be like that as I also found out that HSP’s have codependency issues.
So true of me!
Missed out on so Much
Because of all this, I feel that I have missed out on so much in my life.
I never found that special someone in my life, even though I have looked for 50 years.
I have been in survival mode since the age of 30, minimalising my exposure and contact with people, not having any close friends I could turn to and trust.
My life has had no meaning and no purpose.
I have tried really hard to fill in the permanent void/emptiness within me, which I now understand is a HSP thing as we strive to find meaning.
As mentioned above, I have known terrible loneliness and depression for 20+ years.
I am now, and have been for a long time, a recluse in emotional survival mode.
While I enjoy the company of many folks, I do so publicly and always outside my home.
Given up on Relationships
I have recently decided to give up on finding that special someone.
And for the following reasons:
- after looking for 50 years, I must accept that there is no one for me,
- in all the relationships I have had, none really took the time to find out who I am and appreciate me for me. They decided how they would treat me, and I had to be happy with that,
- I think it would be a big ask for someone to have to deal with my HSP ways and needs,
- I think that women are not interested in men like me. They would see me as: childish (because of my specific HSP needs), high maintenance and over sensitive.
- I don’t want to be in a relationship where I will be essentially a burden and where my partner will think that I am just a child who needs to grow up.
Survival Mode
As mentioned above, I am now, and have been for a long time, in emotional survival mode.
I basically try to avoid being in situations where there might be a chance of something happening that will cause me to have a strong emotional reaction.
These usually come in 2 forms:
- being hurt by what someone says or does, and/or
- feeling that I have hurt someone with a comment or a joke.
When either of these things happen, it takes me days (and sometimes weeks) to get over it.
And during that time, I experience strong emotional turmoil within me.
I consequently minimise or control the contact I have with people.
And sometimes I avoid contact with people altogether.
Who am I?
I feel that I have had to hide who I am from just about everybody.
I feel I have had to do that because people have in the past written me off as being childish and oversensitive.
So, to avoid further rejections, I have found it safer to just not show people who I really am.
I have learnt to put on a good front pretending in public that all is good, while inside me, emotional battles are raging.
Be Yourself!
I have heard people say, ‘be yourself!’
I have never understood what that means.
I can be quiet and reflective and I can be a clown.
I can be very caring, and sometimes, I lack empathy. Empathy is something I have had to learn. This for me is an interesting one. I am a HSP but clearly not an empath.
So when someone says ‘be yourself!’ I have no idea what that means.
Additionally, I never felt I could be myself with my parents.
I had to be what they wanted me to be.
I had to be someone they could cope with because when they could not cope with me being me, they would deliberately hurt me.
Looking for Meaning and Purpose
For decades now, I have looked for meaning and purpose in my life, and never found it.
Love-Hate Relationship
It would be fair to say that I have a love-hate relationship with myself.
There are many things about me I love:
- I love teaching myself: programming, web design, the guitar,
- I love taking photos,
- I can play pretty much any instrument,
- I have a great sense of humour,
- I am a great line dancer (given the many compliments I have had over the years),
- I love riding my mountain bike,
- I love travelling and camping, but always on my own of course,
- I love kayaking,
- I love discovering new places,
- I love cats,
- I love helping others,
- I love computer programming,
- I love teaching,
- I love deep and meaningful conversations,
- I love reflecting on things.
But none of these things fills in the emptiness within me or meet my HSP needs long term.
At best, they help me feel good about myself short term.
It seems that my HSP is always there undermining everything I do and feel, and there is no escape for me.
Nothing to See
Many times in the course of my life I knew there was “something wrong” with me.
Little did I know that it is not that there is something wrong with me, but that it is normal for me to be the way I am.
I also wished that this “something wrong with me” was physically visible.
I have found it very difficult to be a damaged HSP on the inside, while outside I looked normal.
NOT a Blessing
As you can see, being an HSP has NOT being a blessing for me.
Unlike for some folks I have seen on YouTube and the Internet.
Not for Sympathy
I am not sharing these things with you to get sympathy.
I am hoping that perhaps my story will help someone, not sure how though!
Finally
Let me share with you a quote I read on Facebook.
Apologies if it is not accurate as I am working from memory.
BE KIND TO PEOPLE YOU MEET AS YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT BATTLES THEY ARE FIGHTING.
Michel Joly
